To Date or Not to Date?

Almost every week I talk to a guy or girl who is upset or frustrated at their boyfriend or girlfriend. The story that I am told is different almost every time, but the source by which this story has developed is almost always the same. One of the main problems, besides our sinful nature, with high school relationships is found in the way students are raised.

I have talked with several girls bawling their eyes out because their boyfriend broke up with them or cheated on them, and they don’t know why. The ironic thing about them being confused about this is just two months earlier I told them it would happen. I find it very interesting that parents are encouraging their students to date when they put no other responsibility on them in any other area of life, and then they think that their student can handle the responsibility of a relationship. When most of our guys are raised in an atmosphere where they get everything they want and have to do nothing in return, it’s no surprise to me that these relationships end with wounded hearts and purity taken. By doing this we are raising boys who do not know how to cultivate anything and want everything given to them. And when they stop getting what they want, they simply move on to the next best thing.

Our girls are raised in an equally dangerous atmosphere where fathers are not present or active in their life. Because of this missing father figure, our girls are out on a search to feel loved by any male figure they can find, and they will give anything to get that love and attention. Having our students raised with this mindset is a disaster waiting to happen. We have guys running around who can’t cultivate anything and all they want is for girls to fulfill their physical desires, and we have girls running around who want any form of male affection they can find, and we get lots of hurt students and angry parents who don’t know why this is happening.

My hope in writing this is that parents would see where they are failing their students and students would stop looking to each other to fulfill these desires. I understand that everyone’s situation is different and that there are lots of other reasons why high school relationships don’t work, but for the sake of not writing a 10 page blog, this is all I want to focus on for now. My encouragement to our students is to take this time in life to focus on God and their relationship with him. Most of the time your relationship with that guy or girl is going to mean the end of your relationship with God. I know this is not what you want to hear but, if you will hear me then you will most like save yourself a lot of pain and regret.

To our parents out there, I don’t know if I could ever beg you enough to love your students well. Don’t let your sons just sit on their butts and do nothing but play Xbox. Make them get a job or have responsibilities at home. Don’t just let them be consumers who never work for anything, because they will become lazy and cultivate things that are destructive. Fathers please spend time with your daughters, show them that you care, and don’t let a little boy come into their life and replace you!

Address: http://hv.thevillagechurch.net/blog/hvhs/?p=474

The Space Between

Parents,

Walt Mueller is a cognoscente when it comes to youth culture. If teens are buying it, reading it, watching it or saying it, he knows about it and has done his research to discover the effects it’s having on their world. Like a spy behind enemy lines, Dr. Mueller has his ear to the ground and his body in harm’s way deep inside youth subculture. And he’s just come out with a new book that I picked up last week and have begun reading. It’s titled, The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development. The premise is spelled out in the subtitle; no need to elaborate there. I highly recommend it to you for a few reasons:

1. It’s short and to the point. At a little over 100 pages it shouldn’t take long to finish.
2. Walt knows his stuff. He’s not just an academic. He has four kids, three of whom have graduated out of adolescence. The man has firsthand experience with parenting teens.
3. It doesn’t just present information and pose questions. Dr. Mueller gives practical parenting advice throughout the book.
4. It’s biblical. Dr. Mueller is a God-loving man who knows that what teens need the most is Jesus, not morality.

To get you started, here are some takeaways from the first two chapters.

When addressing any subject it’s always important to really understand what we’re dealing with. While we’ve come up with some nice labels for this stage of life, (teenager, adolescent) what exactly defines it? When does it start? WHEN DOES IT END?!

What is it?

Mueller gives a lot of definitions, my favorite of which is one by Earl Wilson who says adolescence is “an adult trying to happen.” It’s a transition, an in-between stage. Teens are making an exodus from childhood trying to enter the Promised Land and freedom of adulthood with you as their Moses. You’re the guide, the leader, the one in charge.

When does it start?

Most experts argue that it begins at the onset of puberty. One day a gland wakes up and starts releasing hormones and with it the start of a child’s journey towards adulthood. On average girls get a head start and begin at age 10 ½. Boys are a few years behind, beginning on average at age 12.

One thing to note is that within the last 100 years, the average age (especially for girls) for this has been decreasing. Many attribute this trend to the fact that are kids are eating more than ever before. Research has shown that there is a connection with the onset of puberty and weight, specifically to body mass index.

Mueller is quick to add that this decrease in age coupled with the reality that kids are dealing with cultural pressures at earlier ages can cause them to “grow up too fast.”

When does it end?

This is a tough question to answer because our culture has no clear cut definition or right-of-passage for adulthood. Graduation, marriage, or moving out of your mom’s house? No one really knows. David Walsh defines adolescence by saying “it begins at puberty and ends…sometime.”

What this means for you as parents is that this period of “storm and stress”¹ could last for 15 years. But, be encouraged! God has put this growing, complicated, unpredictable and fascinating creature under your roof and care so that both of you might be sanctified and grow in godliness. What a responsibility and privilege!

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